I think I am already immune to paracetamol.

So I resorted to one analgesic that I am sure I will never be immune to.

Tadaaah….

After 9 months of coffee deprivation, I deserve an iced Caramel Macchiato. Venti size take note.

I feel all my aches and pains dissolve in its vanilla caramel goodness….

Hoorah for my first Starbucks treat after my C-section!  Aside from the healing powers of caffeine,  the ambience soothed my yearning heart as well.  I took this cup of bliss from the Starbucks where I first met my husband.

A toast to us my Mahal!

Welcome to the Cesarean Club!

It has been exactly a month and 5 days since I had lain on an operating room and zipped open to get my pretty baby from my abdomen.

Ok… ok… say that I am morbid… but I am telling you, the recovery from a C-section delivery is NOT a pleasant experience.  My definition of PAIN was radically changed.

As I had mentioned,  it has been over a month and never did a day pass that I haven’t felt some form of pain or discomfort on the area of my stitches or at my lower back where I got my epidural.  Gahd!! I am telling you the pain is sheer agony at my lower back each time I try to bend over.  I feel my body breaking in two.

My OB-GYNE says the pain should be anticipated.  I am allergic to mefenamic acid, so she prescribes me a mild analgesic-  paracetamol every 4 hrs or as needed.  I think “mild” analgesic is an understatement!!! I am watching the clock like crazy as to when I can pop my next tablet of paracetamol to rid me of this damn pain.  I guess I am the type of person that is tolerant of pain.  But being given a daily dose of pain for over a month is beyond my frail tender body can handle.

Aside from my litany of pain, I experience weird mood swings.  I feel bored as minutes tick away. I sometimes lose appetite.  I want to go out, but rather stay at home and be in my pajamas all day.  I even cry over the lamest soap opera on TV.  I also cry and laugh at the same time when I watch my baby sleeping at night.  Gahd!!!!! Am I going mad?!

I had scoured the internet regarding C-section post partum, but I was quite disappointed.  Everything sounded like textbooks preaching the do’s and dont’s.  Some sites are even threatening, citing that 50-75% of new mothers are affected by some form of depression, with mothers who had c-section at higher risk.  Duh?!  Great! Exactly what I wanted to hear to cheer my little heart.  The sites even had categorized such depressions.  The mild condition is called  “baby blues”;  the moderate form, “postpartum depression”; and the severe type “postpartum psychosis”.   Hmmm… where does my sanity lie on those categories?

I don’t like baby blues.  I like baby pink.

According to the cruel websites, postpartum lasts for 6 weeks.  Well, I am still 9 days short of ending my sweet dose of pain.

If you share my sentiments in any way… speak out…

That was the exact moment God planned it.

My daughter emerged through Cesarean section after 12 hrs of my futile labor and a mere 1 cm opening of my cervix.

I was still half conscious when I heard her first cry. Was I really awake that time? Or was it just a dream? As if instinct had stirred me awake from that epidural.  I saw my husband standing near the door of the operating room, smiling at me with eyes like I had never seen before.  That moment, I knew everything was alright.  After a few minutes, everything  faded into blackness…

When I woke up, my complete awareness of what was happening began to kick in.  I realized the operation was over and the nurses waited for the numbness of my legs to subside before moving  me to my room.  The friendly nurse approached when she saw I was already fully awake.  She asked if  I want to see my baby.  I agreed eagerly.

The nurse then laid this little creature on my chest.  Dear Lord! No words could describe my elation when we were chest to chest.  Her eyes probed towards mine as if she was trying to recognize me.  Perhaps she did recognize me though I know she is not yet able to see.  Her eyes were inexplicably beautiful.  Her sedated gaze as if piercing me through the heart.  Those searching eyes; as if  assessing  my 29 years of existence and redefining  my whole being.  That gaze defined the rest of my lifetime!

I was reborn.

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In the emptiness of hours,

you fill me.

Your kicks,

your hiccups

entertain my weary head

in this too large bed

for your Dad is still on his way home.

Minutes tick away

so slow, yet so fast.

You dwell unseen yet  strongly felt

just like your Dad.

The moon is as full as my belly.

Days empty as starless nights.

Waiting

for us three

to be home.

Laguna, Philippines. 2 January 2009. 10:40 am.

After being deprived of sunshine, shopping from malls,  a computer and  internet access, I had emerged from my 2nd trimester with my sanity intact.

I had learned and realized several things during the past 7 months ….

10.  Internet is a necessity.

9.    Blessed are thou who works and earns during pregnancy.

8.  Parenting is a never-ending responsibility.

7.  A 7-month fetus moves like an octopus catching a prey inside of you.

6.  Fantasizing about your baby is an exhilarating feeling.

5.  Being pregnant without your husband around is like living with a part of your body missing.

4.  Television is mind-numbing and fattening.

3.  Blessed are thou who had finished at least a single project of cross stitch.

2.  Coffee. So near, yet so far.

1.  A pregnant mother develops her maternal psyche and instincts as her child inside develops the basic of body parts.   Ergo,  the mother herself  is a fetus in the womb of Life.

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Finally, I was given the chance to leave the house and get some fresh air.

I went to the mall with my Mom and learned that the mall was on promo sale. Goodie! Goodie!

I was really dying to buy maternity clothes. Nothing fits me anymore! If I do try to put on my old shirts or pants, I would look like a mutated tadpole. And baby kinda complains inside, starting to squirm because of the tight fit.

So I went to the nearest maternity clothes stall and it was absolute heaven!!! I was able to purchase cute and casual blouses and pants.

In the same area was the baby clothes section. The tiny shirts, booties, mittens, caps, and colorful diapers were all overwhelmingly cute. The best part was they are all on sale!! Before, you can never drag me to the baby’s section. Now, I don’t want to leave the place.

My Mom, being the expert-in-everything that she is didn’t waste another minute and started picking out clothes for our much-awaited newborn. While I was checking out the displayed items, I noticed that more pregnant moms started to crowd the area, pulling out clothes from shelves, scrutinizing each item, interrogating the sales ladies for sizes and colors. For the first time, I was surrounded by around 10 very pregnant women with tummies waaay larger than mine and bodies like double or triple my weight. I felt uncomfortable at first, realizing the fact that I am now one of them. Do I really look that immense? Naaahh.. I don’t think so. Would you believe I still weigh less 120 lbs?

Anyway, I just squirmed my way out of the growing crowd of tummies and checked the pile of clothes my Mom decided to pick.  Too bad we are still guessing if my baby is a girl or boy. But nonetheless, buying him/her clothes is such a delight. Seeing the miniature apparel makes him/her more closer… real… tangible.

See how delightful my baby clothes are…

By the way… Daddy… I charged all these to your credit ok. Wehehehe

I never thought his/her body could be this tiny...

Hindi naman masyado mahilig sa Disney ano?!

I wanna share this one from a friend of mine who simply has sheer talent of searching the web for the funniest of things…

This is very, very educational. And timely for this primigravida.

For soon-to-be parents out there, consider this as Taking Care of Baby 101.  Haha

It’s been quite a while since I last visited my blog.

Dear God! Where will I start the explaining?

I was hospitalized Aug 1 – 5. And after 3 days at home, I was admitted again and stayed in the hospital, this time quite longer, from Aug 9-15.

It was really a roller coaster of an experience for me, but not of a thrilling and entertaining kind.

I experienced strong bleeding and was diagnosed as threatened abortion that’s why I need to stay in the hospital with all the IV running through my veins.  Sitting and standing to go to the rest room is not an option for my bleeding cervix easily aggravated by the the most minute of movements.

My husband is there crowding my cellphone’s message inbox. My mom became an instant caregiver. My friends also visited.  Such blessings.

And as for my tiny uterus tenant of 11 weeks, yes, he/she is fine. That is perhaps my greatest and sweetest consolation.

Several nights at the hospital did I ponder what is really happening. Now released from the hospital, still I am pondering  the fact that I am not allowed to walk or stand or even sit for long hours.

Matigas lang ang mukha ko na umuupo ako para humarap sa laptop.

Feeling somewhat like a prisoner of my own room, I thought, is this what I signed up for?

Frankly, I feel miserable.  And hopeful. And anxious. And thankful.

This inexplicable cocktail of feelings is perhaps caused by the storm of hormones raging in me. And perhaps, one of the side effects of continuous intake of dydrogesterone tablets.

Friends, readers… this primigravida needs all the moral support she can get. Thanks.

Last week, I saw the beating heart of my 6-week old child. At that age, he/she is still an embryo living in his/her own little world in the gestational sac inside me. At the left is the actual ultrasound photo 

The tiny embryo appears translucent in the dark background of the ultrasound monitor with its tiny heart thumping quickly.  No words could ever describe the sight. I looked at the monitor for several seconds trying to embed the image in my memory- the image of my child’s first signs of life. An image I would want to hold dear for my husband who missed seeing this because he is working abroad. An image that glorifies God who is the Creator of all Life.

Last week also, news broke out in school that a student of mine committed suicide. My student was 18 years old, good-looking actually, and quite timid in class. I often spot him sleeping during our 7-8am class. But I never called his name for I never embarrass students.  I remember one time after an early morning lecture, I approached him and asked him why he often dozes off.  He simply smiled, I guess embarrassed now, and apologized because he slept late.

Perhaps that was the only interaction I had with him that semester.  Two semesters later, he decided to take a gun and shoot it at his head.  His classmates relayed to me a sad story of family pressure and quarrels with his girlfriend. Perhaps, he got tired of it all, they said.  The day I learned the news, my chest felt heavy the entire day thinking why? Why? Why?!  Would it have changed anything if I were able to interact with him more? Talked to him more?  Have I and the other professors failed to be as second parents?

Now a realization about life and death hit me…

Do we have a right to kill ourselves?  Do we own our lives that we can take it?

My answer is NO.

We absolutely have no right to kill ourselves because our first heartbeat is not even from our own will. Our life came from the Creator and He has the sole authority to take it.

Being a primigravida, I now have a deeper understanding and appreciation of life.  Life is such a gift. A miracle indeed.  Why waste it away?  Life is not our choice, but living it to the fullest is.

My prayers and condolences to the bereaved family.

May eternal light and peace be with you, David.

You are finally home. Amen.

pri·mi·grav·i·da (prm-grv-d)

I just learned last week I am pregnant.

I am now on my 6th week. Confetti! Confetti!!!

It was a total surprise because I thought I had my period last week. But no siree… the doctor said it was already bleeding.

So this whole week what did I do?

I slept.

And slept.

And slept.

And yah, did I mention I slept?

I  just followed the doctor’s advise of a 1 week bedrest. This afternoon will be my 2nd checkup. Gahd! When I see her bed at the clinic with that stand where you have to rest your feet while you are lying down gives me shivers.

Let us pray that everything is now normal, dba mahal?

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